Have you heard about reparenting?

A friend shared an interesting incident from her childhood. Her father was working in the Gulf. Whenever her father returned home, she wouldn’t let him leave or turn around. She would cry if her father went anywhere, except when going to buy candy. So, whenever her father had to go out, He would tell a candy story. When her father returned in the evening, he would give candy that he brought back from the Gulf. Finally, when her father had to return to the Gulf after his leave, he told her that he was going to buy sweets. That evening, She eagerly awaited her father’s return with sweets, but he didn’t come back. She cried a lot. Later, her mother explained the situation, which she had forgotten. Reflecting on this incident, I wondered if it was related to a relationship problem she often talks about. She constantly fears that her boyfriend will leave her for no particular reason.

Childhood experiences shape human behaviors, emotions and relationships in many ways. Sometimes, we will ask people who show childish behavior, ‘Why are you behaving like a child?’. Regardless of how much we grow, we all have an inner child. During crises, this inner child often emerges, influencing our actions and reactions. Our responses in conflicts with partners may mirror how our parents quarreled when we were young. This is where reparenting becomes crucial.

Reparenting is an adult’s effort to address physical and psychological needs that were not met in childhood. It begins with understanding your inner child from your childhood memories and conversations with childhood companions. After understanding the inner child, one must empathize with its feelings, fears, and self-blame, and offer love and security through self-care. Communicating with your inner child and nurturing it with a positive mindset and belief are essential. Recurring problems in personal relationships often stem from unresolved childhood issues and need to be addressed through reparenting.

People with significant childhood traumas should seek the assistance of a psychologist in this process. However, everyone can get benefit through practising minimal self-reparenting. Even those who believe they had a happy childhood may be influenced by experiences they don’t remember. Recognizing these experiences is crucial for understanding our behaviors in relationships and improving them—to become better friends, partners, parents, and human beings.

Shameema Sabini, Assistant Professor of Psychology, Al Shifa College of Arts and Science, Kizhattoor, Perinthalmanna