ഇനി എത്ര ദൂരം

 

A Marriage That Was Never My Dream

For many people, marriage is a cherished dream, something they look forward to from a young age. Unfortunately, that was never my dream. While many girls around me imagined their wedding day and future family life, my dreams were different. I dreamed of studying, building a career, becoming independent, and creating an identity of my own.

I was born and brought up in a rural village where, during my childhood, it was common for girls to get married at a very young age. Many girls were married by the age of fifteen, and higher education for girls was often considered unnecessary. Although times have changed now, those were the realities that surrounded me while growing up.

When I was studying in the 10th standard, my father came home from abroad on leave. During that visit, my family had plans to arrange my marriage. At that age, I was more focused on my studies than anything else. Fortunately, my academic performance changed the course of my life. I scored 8 A+ grades and 2 A grades in my SSLC examination, which was one of the highest achievements in our village at that time.

People in the community began telling my parents, "Let her study. Don't get her married now." Their encouragement gave me an unexpected opportunity. My father returned abroad without arranging my marriage, and for the first time, I felt a sense of freedom. It was as if education had opened a door that would otherwise have remained closed. I was given two more years to continue my studies.

Those two years were precious to me. I continued my education and nurtured my dreams. However, when I completed Plus Two, my academic achievements were no longer enough to determine my future. The focus of my family shifted once again toward finding a suitable groom.

At first, I resisted. I tried to express that I wanted to continue my education and pursue my ambitions. Instead of understanding my aspirations, some people assumed I was refusing marriage because I was in love with someone. Their suspicions and questions deeply affected me. I felt misunderstood and unheard. The constant pressure and doubts gradually silenced my voice.

Eventually, I stopped arguing. Not because I wanted marriage, but because I felt exhausted. I silently gave my consent, even though my heart was not in it.

One of the most painful feelings I carried during that time was the belief that I was becoming a burden to my family. Whether that feeling was real or imagined, it weighed heavily on me. I felt as though everyone was eager to settle my future through marriage rather than support my dreams. That sense of helplessness remains one of the hardest emotions I have ever experienced.

After numerous bride-viewing visits and discussions, my marriage was finally fixed. It was a major life decision, yet I felt I had very little control over it. I was only eighteen years old. While most girls my age were still discovering themselves, I was expected to take on the responsibilities of a married woman.

I entered an orthodox family where expectations were high and responsibilities came quickly. At eighteen, I was expected to think and behave like someone much older. I had to mature rapidly, adapting to a completely new environment. There was little space for my own dreams, fears, or uncertainties. The transition was not easy.

Even today, whenever I think back to that period of my life, tears still fill my eyes. Not because my life turned out badly, but because I remember the young girl who had dreams she never got the chance to fully explore. I remember her struggles, her silence, and the helplessness she felt when important decisions were made for her.

Yet life has a way of teaching us resilience. Over the years, I learned to adapt, grow, and find strength within myself. I continued to pursue education and personal growth whenever opportunities came my way. The journey was not the one I had imagined, but it shaped me into the person I am today.

As time passed, I gradually adjusted to family life. What once felt unfamiliar slowly became part of me. Today, I can say that I have found satisfaction in the life I built. My family, my children, and the relationships I have nurtured bring meaning to my days. The dreams of my youth may have changed form, but they did not disappear entirely.

Looking back, I see a story not only of sacrifice but also of survival, growth, and transformation. My marriage was never my dream, but life taught me how to create happiness within the path I was given. The tears remain as reminders of a difficult journey, but they are accompanied by gratitude for the strength that carried me through it.

Today, I stand not as the helpless eighteen-year-old girl I once was, but as a woman who has learned to find peace, purpose, and fulfillment in the life she ultimately built.

Sajla Mol P. K.

Head and Assistant Professor of Nutrition and Dietetics,

Al Shifa College of Arts and Science, Keezhattur, Perinthalmanna.